BABY BLUES

One of the reason why I have been dragging my feet updating my blog is my depression. For 4 years now, I have been struggling with infertility. Well, I already had a baby and she is turning 5 this October. We have been trying to get pregnant and nothing seems to be happening. Its very very depressing and it gets more depressing when friends and family around you are getting pregnant with a drop of the hat. I am very happy for them but I am also crying deep inside. If you are going to say to take my time or maybe its not the right time, please save it. I have heard so many advice and it doesn't really help. Part of my brain processes all those advice but my heart cannot or is not able to accept the fact that I am not getting pregnant. The longing I feel inside is so strong that It takes over my mind and my whole body. Depression is an ugly thing and its hard to shake off.

Some days I am so happy and content that I forget about trying to get pregnant but 90% of the time it's all I think about. The longing and heartache is specially strong when I see an infant. My coupon buddy Allison knows how much I have been longing for a new baby. She was hesitant to tell me that she was pregnant but finally told me. I am happy for her but I wanted to yell and scream at the same time. My heart felt so broken, I had to force a smile. I am so glad she understands me. I don't want to be depress and sad anymore but I just can't help it.

WHAT I MISS

I am excited beyond reason this month. Why? I hope to be pregnant by the end of this month or at least within the next 3 months. On my last appointment to my OB-GYN we talked about our desire to have another baby and the difficulty why we have not been able to conceive. What can I say, I miss being pregnant. I miss having a huge belly, feeling the baby move inside of me, taking prenatal vitamins everyday, the never ending hunger and trips to the bathroom. The one thing I don't miss about being pregnant is the nausea and the throwing up. The first trimester was just horrible, it was like hell. The nausea was so bad that anything could trigger the constant trip to the bathroom to throw up. Lucky for me that around 4 months I got over it and I didn't look back after that. I was a happy camper without the nausea. Would my second pregnancy be the same,would my labor be faster, and will I have the twins I have been longing for? Keep checking back for updates.....

HOPING FOR ANOTHER ADDITION

Finally its another year full of promise for all of us. It's an exciting year for me since I have been planning my upcoming vacation in a few months. Not only that but we are also hoping to conceive and keep our family growing. We haven't really tried the past month since I would not be able to have my vacation if I was over 7 months pregnant. Hopefully in a few months we will be able to conceive. We didn't really plan to have our kids so far apart but it looks like its happening that way. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby kick inside of me, taking daily prenatal vitamins. On the other hand I do not miss the nausea, throwing up and the crazy food cravings and everything in between that,lol. Who know maybe the next time around it won't be so bad for me, at least back then when I reached my 2nd trimester it got better. I just can't wait to have another baby again. It's all in God's hands now.