One of the reason why I have been dragging my feet updating my blog is my depression. For 4 years now, I have been struggling with infertility. Well, I already had a baby and she is turning 5 this October. We have been trying to get pregnant and nothing seems to be happening. Its very very depressing and it gets more depressing when friends and family around you are getting pregnant with a drop of the hat. I am very happy for them but I am also crying deep inside. If you are going to say to take my time or maybe its not the right time, please save it. I have heard so many advice and it doesn't really help. Part of my brain processes all those advice but my heart cannot or is not able to accept the fact that I am not getting pregnant. The longing I feel inside is so strong that It takes over my mind and my whole body. Depression is an ugly thing and its hard to shake off.
Some days I am so happy and content that I forget about trying to get pregnant but 90% of the time it's all I think about. The longing and heartache is specially strong when I see an infant. My coupon buddy Allison knows how much I have been longing for a new baby. She was hesitant to tell me that she was pregnant but finally told me. I am happy for her but I wanted to yell and scream at the same time. My heart felt so broken, I had to force a smile. I am so glad she understands me. I don't want to be depress and sad anymore but I just can't help it.